The Joy of Spam Folder Cooking

Category: Incomplete

CHOCOLATE CAKE, OR DEVIL’S FOOD

I was so excited this week, my spam folder brought me a recipe for Chocolate Cake.  You can’t get much better than Chocolate Cake, in my opinion.  Unless it’s Chocolate Cake with hand made whipped cream on top, then you’re definitely in heaven.

Then I took a look at the recipe.  The horror!  It just contained the ingredients, not the instructions!

Chocolate Cake, or Devil's Food

  • 5 level tablespoonfuls of butter,
  • 1 ¬º cups of sugar,
  • 3 ¬Ω squares of Baker's Chocolate, (melted),
  • 3 eggs,
  • 1 teaspoonful of vanilla,
  • ¬æ a cup of milk,
  • 3 ¬Ω level teaspoonfuls of baking powder,
  • 1 ¬Ω cups of sifted pastry flour.

That’s just rude.  Seriously, spammers, it’s bad enough you’re sending me spam, but to not send me the actual instructions so I can make the cake?  Rude.  Just too rude for words.

I did ask Mr Google, and it turns out the recipe is from

The Project Gutenberg EBook of Chocolate and Cocoa Recipes and Home Made
Candy Recipes, by Miss Parloa

The spammers didn’t even get the amounts right when they copied.  That silly symbol isn’t the same as a 3/4, guys.  You can do better than this, I have faith in you!

Did I just say I have faith in spammers?  Oops.

Until next time, toodles!

Oeufs en meurette

This week my spam folder brought me an incomplete recipe.  While not unusual, it was even missing the title.  I had to go searching for it and it turns out it is Oeufs en meurette.  My high school french was useful enough so that I know that oeufs is eggs, but it was lacking meurette.  Google translate wasn’t any help either.  Google told me it’s eggs in a red wine sauce.  The spam folder didn’t tell me how to put it all together.

The ingredients!

Oeufs en meurette

  • about 350ml fruity red wine
  • 225ml chicken or veal stock
  • 1 small onion , thinly sliced
  • 1 small carrot , thinly sliced
  • 1 stick of celery , thinly sliced
  • 1 small garlic clove , crushed
  • bouquet garni (see below)
  • ½ tsp peppercorns
  • 25g butter
  • 85g unsmoked lardons
  • 85g button mushrooms , quartered
  • 8-10 small (sometimes called pickling) onions , peeled
  • 4 slices white bread , cut 5mm/quarter inch thick
  • thick oil for frying
  • 2 tsp plain flour
  • thumb sized piece of dark chocolate optional
  • 3 tbsp white wine vinegar
  • 4 fresh eggs

I went back to my spam folder because there had to be something after that list of ingredients, right?  At least, that’s what I thought.  This is what I got:

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I don’t know about you, but that has nothing about putting oeufs en meurette together.  Instead it looks like the cut and pasted from some news article.  Come on, spam guys, give me the whole recipe next time!

Coconut-Palm Sugar Flan

This week the spam folder brought me only half the recipe.  I had to go ask Mr. Google again, and it turns out it’s Coconut-Palm Sugar Flan.  I just got the ingredients, I didn’t get a single instruction.  If my spam folder doesn’t tell me how to cook it, then I’ll just give you what it gave me.

Coconut-Palm Sugar Flan

  • 1 2/3 cups (9 ounces/257 grams) crushed palm sugar
  • 1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
  • ¾ teaspoon salt
  • 2 cups (16 ounces/454 grams) whole milk
  • ¾ cup (7 ounces/200 grams) unsweetened coconut milk
  • 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons (3½ ounces/98 grams) finely shredded unsweetened dried coconut
  • ¾ cup (5 1/3 ounces/150 grams) sugar
  • ¼ cup (2 ounces/58 grams) evaporated milk
  • 4 large eggs
  • 3 large egg yolks
  • 1 tablespoon fleur de sel or Maldon salt, optional

I did have to go find out what fleur de sel is.  Apparently it’s french for flower of salt and Wikipedia says it comes from seawater when it evaporates.  I know you get salt when sea water evaporates, I guess this is the special kind of salt.

I may have to make this some time, first I’ll have to find Palm Sugar.  It looks like Amazon sells it so that’s nice.  Though I’m not sure I want to spend $10 on a bag of sugar I’ll use for one recipe.  Then I’ll have to convince Fred he likes coconut.  He likes it when I don’t tell him it’s in it, like in my mom’s coconut pecan bars, but if I tell him there’s coconut, he doesn’t like it.  (I just tell him we’re having pecan bars and skip the coconut.)

Until next time, toodles!

Plain Buns

I do like baking bread and I was happy that this week the Spam folder brought me a bread recipe. Plain buns sounds so boring, but why not? I always thought the name Parker House Rolls sounded weird, so why not plain buns.

And then I read the recipe.

It’s missing really important information…

Plain Buns

Weigh out eighteen ounces of dough and divide into one dozen pieces. Mould into balls and let spring for ten minutes. Now [pg 20] mould up nice and round and then set close together on a well-greased pan. Let rise for thirty-five minutes, and then brush the tops with egg and water; wash and dust lightly with sugar. Bake for eighteen minutes in a hot oven. A small pan of boiling water may be placed in the oven when baking these rolls.

For variety's sake, part of the dough may be baked plain. To the balance add caraway seeds, a little citron, nutmeg or a few currants. If carefully baked and cooled, these rolls may be stored in an air-tight box and they will keep for several days. To reheat, place in an oven with a pan of boiling water for ten minutes to freshen.

Egg wash: One egg and one-fourth cup of milk; beat to mix; apply with small paint brush.

It starts with ‘weigh out eighteen ounces of dough’ and lacks the whole ‘and this is how you make the dough’.  I assume the dough has yeast in it, since you let the buns rise, but seriously, if you give me a bread recipe, give me the whole thing!  Not just ‘here’s what you do with the dough after you put it together’, but how on earth do I put it together?
I will say that adding nutmeg and citron to the buns does sound good. Or maybe a little cinnamon and sugar. That sounds like a great breakfast bun and anything but like a plain bun. I think it could be fun to try adding raisins or other dried fruit, like maybe apples. Apples and cinnamon and sugar. There we go, I can’t wait to try that… once I get the whole recipe!

For now, I think I”ll make this apple cinnamon bread.

Until next time, toodles!

Baked Green Peppers

This week we have baked green peppers popping up in my spam folder. I know green peppers don’t pop, and they’re more tart than hot, but my friend Maggie insists that she absolutely will not eat them because they’re hot. I just shake my head. What can I say to her? Green peppers are tart, red peppers are sweet, and they’re both delicious! But no, she won’t touch them at all. Just don’t get her started on yellow peppers or orange peppers. To her, the color of the pepper means how hot it is, whether or not that has anything to do with reality.

Anyway, Peggy isn’t the point of this week’s recipe. Though I do find her refusal just puzzling.

This week, the recipe is baked green peppers, which sounds interesting, but as with last week’s recipe, there’s parts missing from it.

Allow one large pepper for each person. Cut a slice from the top and 
remove the seeds and then place in cold water until needed. Now mince 
fine four onions and then cook until tender but not brown, in four 
tablespoons of shortening. Place in a bowl and then add

Two ounces of bacon, diced and cooked to a light brown,

One and one-half cups of fine bread crumbs,

Two teaspoons of salt,

One teaspoon paprika,

One-half teaspoon thyme,

Three-quarters cup of milk,

One well-beaten egg.

Aaaaaaand then what do I do? I put the onions in the bowl, add a bunch of other things, and… what? sit there and stare at it? It also doesn’t say how many peppers should I start with. Now honestly, if I was making this I’d make it with red peppers and not green, but that’s neither here nor there ’cause I just don’t know what to do after I put everything in a bowl. Maybe I dance around the kitchen with the bowl and do the hokey pokey, but I don’t think that’s it.

Until next time, toodles!

 

Boiled HominyCheese Sauce

This week, the spam folder brought me a recipe for Boiled HominyCheese Sauce. Now Fred, he loves grits. He’d eat them with every meal if he could. In fact, his favorite birthday meal is shrimp with cheese grits. Loves that to death! But… hominy, he isn’t a fan of. To put it mildly. I told him that grits are made from hominy, but he doesn’t care. Apparently his mother hated hominy and convinced him he hated it too, so getting him to try it just isn’t happening.  Which means I won’t be making Boiled HominyCheese  Sauce.

Anyway, Fred’s particularities don’t actually pertain to this week’s recipe, since it seems to be missing parts. Well, I guess if you’re copying and pasting from other sources into your spam, you aren’t actually making sure you get the entire recipe. And on to that recipe!

Soak large hominy over night and then in the morning wash and 
cook in plenty of boiling water until tender. Drain well and place 
in a baking dish and cover with cheese sauce, made as follows:

Place one and one-half cups of milk in a saucepan and add two 
tablespoons of grated onion and four level tablespoons of cornstarch. 
Dissolve the starch in the milk and bring to a boil. Cook slowly f
or five minutes and then add

So out of curiosity, I did some googling for the sentence “Soak large hominy over night…” and found the recipe here.   In Mrs. Wilson’s Cook Book, that same cookbook I found in these two posts Liver Dumplings and Huckleberry Shortcake.

I guess those spammers really like that cookbook!

Other funny thing, Mrs. Wilson was the instructor of the cooking for the Navy and the subject of the spam I found that recipe in is Military Technology Now Available To The Public.

Isn’t that funny? I’m sure that’s accidental, I don’t think the spammers are being that particular.

Until next time, toodles!

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